You’re probably in bed by the time I’m writing this. Sitting all alone in a dim room while looking out the window is something you wouldn’t expect a future you to be doing this instance, but here I am writing down the things I wish I could have told you when you were growing up.
To my younger self in your final year of high school, I know things seem bleak and the cuts on your arms are beginning to heal, but know that there’s always light at the end of the tunnel. The small group of friends you have with you right now? Cherish them and thank them for sticking by you when everybody else turned away from you. You might feel alone right now, but I hope you know that the pain you’re going through will end and you will come out stronger after this battle. It will take time to heal and you will retreat into a shell you’ve carved out from this harrowing journey but I hope you know that I’m so proud of you for not listening to the voices in your head urging you to do something you will regret.
Things might not always be easy and you will face a few hiccups along the way but please don’t let that curious mind wilt away. I wish I could wrap you in my arms and tell you everything will be okay. I wish I could tell you every day to love yourself. Even now, I struggle to do it, but if I could go back in time and tell you those three words, I would because you deserve to know that you are unique, you are beautiful and you are needed. Your existence is not a bane to those around you, they love you for who you are and don’t let anybody else tell you otherwise.
Love. Ah, to experience the feeling of having crushes and feeling your heart thump a mile a minute, the feeling is exhilarating. I know how you feel you’re not worthy of anyone, how all your crushes are a one-sided love story, and how often people tell you that you’re not pretty enough, don’t listen to them. All those heartbreaks and endless tears you shed will lead you to the most amazing person you will ever meet. They will give you the moon if they could, and you will do the same in return. Nothing in this world is perfect, and love is one of them but the feeling of being loved and loving someone is one of the greatest feelings in the world, so be patient my young padawan, you’ll meet that person soon.
To my younger self five years ago, I know you’re probably in bed still recovering from your flight back from Sydney. I’m sorry that in the coming days, that euphoric feeling you’re currently experiencing will come crashing down but know that you will get through this battle too. You always do. You are not alone. And if the days feel hard, just take it one minute at a time. “Minute by minute”. Hold on to those three words, for it will get you through your hardest battle yet.
To my younger self, I’m sorry I couldn’t do much more. I’m sorry I didn’t turn up to be the person you’ve always dreamt of becoming but remember that none of it is your fault.
When life knocks you down, you get back up. Never give up and never succumb to those voices in your head.
Do not be afraid to talk to someone. Everyone needs a shoulder to cry on.
Never stop dreaming and learning. Stay curious. It’s not always a bad thing.
Learn to let go of the past. I know it’s hard and there are so many things I did I wish I could reverse but that’s not how things go.
But most of all, learn to forgive yourself. If not you, then who else? Yes, you make mistakes, but it’s through those mistakes that you learn. This is the hardest thing I had to learn and I’m still at war with myself over it, but I know I’ll get there in time.
For now, know this: Your future is yet to come. Enjoy every moment of it because you deserve all the good things in the world. I love you.